Personal Rule of Life (Part 2)

"The ascetic approach basically asks, What do I need to let go of?  The mystical approach asks, What do I need to take up?"

"The ascetic dimension of a rule of life invites us to consider what separates us from God, and asks us to give it up"

"The mystical dimension of a rule of life invites us to consider what practices will open us to the divine mystery more fully."

-The Pastor's Guide to Spiritual Formation

It is so painfully obvious what it is that I need to give up.  I need to give up BLAME.  I spend so much time blaming other people.  I blame others, and not strangers, for almost everything in my life.  I blame my weight on my upbringing.  I blame my messy house on my spouse and child.  I blame my lack of work on my co-worker.  I blame my laziness on my weight.  I blame everyone else and everything else.

A Personal Rule of Life

"A rule of life gives us a way of allowing God's love to 'make us real'".  

If we really want to [spiritually] mature, we need to do three things:  (1) take stock of our spiritual life as it is now, for better or worse; (2) discern what we need in order to progress toward a deeper experience of communion with God; and (3) make choices about intentional practices we can actually live with"

Marjorie Thompson - "Making Choices:  Developing a Personal Rule of Life"

Taking Stock of My Spiritual Life

List briefly what I consider to be essential in my current life commitments & responsibilities

• Mom
• Married
• Worker
• Christian
• Friends
• Weight Loss
• I don't really get this

I don't really get the point of this part of the exercise.  My spiritual life feels broken.  I feel like I am just going through the motions - in my secular work life, my perosnal life, my home life, my spiritual life.  I always feel like I can't pray because I have nowhere to pray - every room is busy, loud, or busy.  I always feel like I can't exercise because it's too hot or Andrew is in the living room or the Living Room is too messy.  I always feel like I can't clean because I've got to make supper.  Or whatever.  I always feel like there are obstacles.  I can't pray until I have a nice prayer spot - but I can't have a prayer spot because a) I don't know what it should look like other then it involves kneeling and a clean serene room, b) I don't want to kneel, c) I don't have a nice clean serene room, and d) I keep forgetting.

How is this the deep spiritual life of a Pastor?  How is this allowing me to be open to the Divine?  How will I hear if I do not listen?  How will I do anything if I don't have the time, space, or capacity to do anything?

In short, my spiritual life is lacking, devoid, sad, immature, undeveloped, shitty, lonesome, and lacks confidence.

& Suddenly

& suddenly it's been two years since i posted anything here.  if you'd asked me how long it had been i would have said, 6 months - maybe 7.  how could it be 2 years?  i have lots to say...don't i?

i guess we'll find out.  this year, as part of my learning goals, i'm supposed to keep a journal to help me solve problems, work through confusion, and make theological connections.  intentional journaling they call it. i guess that means i'm not supposed to talk about supper, things that make me mad, and new shoes.  this is supposed to be for deep stuff only.

so, let's go deep.

Inclusion

it's hard to be inclusive.  the book I'm reading right now talks about why inclusion is the dificult choice to make.  the author explains that exclusion is easy because the attempted relationship is ended.  the person is excluded.  the group is excluded.  the idea is excluded.  the community is excluded.  once the person is excluded there is (generally) no further relationship.  there is nothing more to do, especially for the party that did the excluding.  it's easy to exclude.  is that why we often choose to exclude?  or are there other reasons?  people are afraid of change, so it's often easier to exclude those that are different.  people want to keep tradition, so it's easier to exclude those that want to change things. 

inclusion takes much more work.  it takes constant self-evaluation and discussion and compromise.  it's got to involve communication and co-operation.  there has to be love and tolerance.  smiles and laughter.  tears and hugs.  steps forward and steps backward.  give and take.  back and forth.  open ears and open hearts.

that's a lot of work!  but so worth it.

so many books and so little time

what an awesome library. 
i wish the libraries i went to looked like this!

i've been spending a lot time at the library recently.  i find the library is one of the only places i will actually buckle down and do my coursework.  i take lots of breaks, but i seem to get stuff done as well.
on my breaks i wander up and down aisles.  i try to vary the aisles.  i pick whatever looks interesting and thumb through the book.  if it looks like a good one i bring it back to my table and look further.  if it's a real gooder i'll take the book home.

sometimes i will pick a specific area to browse.  the kids section.  new arrivals.  bestsellers.  mystery.  religion.  cooking.  inspirational.  large type.  fiction.  non-fiction.  each time i am astounded the amount of books there are in each section.  each time i am absolutely astounded with the amount of books that i find that i want to read.

lately, it feels like there is not enough time to read all the books i want to read.  i feel overwhelmed with my mandatory course material because i want to absorb it all and i want to remember it all.  i feel overwhelmed with everything i want to learn.  crafts.  philosophy.  theology.  cooking.  self-help.  history.  i feel overwhelmed with what i want to read for pleasure.  there are so many titles and authors i want to read. 

my aisle wanderings don't even entail a half of my book woes.  i have book upon book reserved in the library's electronic system.  i have so many reserved i have to keep some in a holding 'shelf' in the electronic system.

at home i have a whole bookshelf with mostly not read books.  i have such good intentions.  i don't even allow myself to go to bookstores or used book sales anymore.  i can't be trusted.  i bring home piles of books that i totally mean to read...but i never find the time to open their pages.  i like looking at the covers though.

the same thing happens to me at the library.  i pull book after book off the shelves and bring them home.  i so want to read them...but my success rate seems to be for every 10 books i've checked out i read 1 of them.

i don't remember feeling like this when i was younger.  i don't remember this feeling of urgency.  i don't remember feeling guilty at returning books to the library that i had not read.  i don't remember feeling overwhelmed at all my choices.  as a youngster i remember feeling calm and at home around books.  i remember feeling quite underwhelmed in that teenage underwhelming way.  i remember wanting to fill my shelves and my room with as many books as possible.  i remember loving being surrounded by books...even if i had not read them.  i remember feeling like there was all the time in the world to read the books i wanted to read.

while at the library i spend a lot of time in the children's section too.  there are so many books i want to share with my son.  i want him to grow up with a love for books.  i want him to read all the good books i read as a kid.  so far though, his favourite part about the library is picking which DVDs he wants to borrow.

in some ways i can't wait to go study because that means that i will get to peruse more aisles and see what books are out there for me.
so many books and so little time.

i haven't written in ages.  i haven't felt like there's been anything write-worthy happening.  just lots of lazy summer days and the whirl of back to school mayhem.  i've registered for a correspondence course but i have not even opened the textbook for it yet.

today i feel left out.  i feel left out at work.  i'm outside of the loop.  beyond the wire.  not wanted.  the last to be picked in gym class.  on the outside looking in.

it's always been like this.  my whole life.  there's very few times where i've been on the inside looking out at all the losers.  this job is not one of those jobs.  i am always feeling left out.

left out of lunches.
left out of previous experiences
left out of meetings
left out of chats
left out of dinners
left out of suppers out
left out of emails

just plain left out.

it hurts.

questions, questions, questions, question, questions

i am so tired of answering questions.  i am so tired of providing answers to questions that are worded just slightly different; similar, but with enough differences to require a whole new answer.  i am so tired of having to put myself out there.  i am tired of being the slowest writer in the world.  i am just blah.

i am tired of all this 'pre' bull shit too.  i just want to START! 

i need to learn how to write faster.