Inclusion

it's hard to be inclusive.  the book I'm reading right now talks about why inclusion is the dificult choice to make.  the author explains that exclusion is easy because the attempted relationship is ended.  the person is excluded.  the group is excluded.  the idea is excluded.  the community is excluded.  once the person is excluded there is (generally) no further relationship.  there is nothing more to do, especially for the party that did the excluding.  it's easy to exclude.  is that why we often choose to exclude?  or are there other reasons?  people are afraid of change, so it's often easier to exclude those that are different.  people want to keep tradition, so it's easier to exclude those that want to change things. 

inclusion takes much more work.  it takes constant self-evaluation and discussion and compromise.  it's got to involve communication and co-operation.  there has to be love and tolerance.  smiles and laughter.  tears and hugs.  steps forward and steps backward.  give and take.  back and forth.  open ears and open hearts.

that's a lot of work!  but so worth it.

so many books and so little time

what an awesome library. 
i wish the libraries i went to looked like this!

i've been spending a lot time at the library recently.  i find the library is one of the only places i will actually buckle down and do my coursework.  i take lots of breaks, but i seem to get stuff done as well.
on my breaks i wander up and down aisles.  i try to vary the aisles.  i pick whatever looks interesting and thumb through the book.  if it looks like a good one i bring it back to my table and look further.  if it's a real gooder i'll take the book home.

sometimes i will pick a specific area to browse.  the kids section.  new arrivals.  bestsellers.  mystery.  religion.  cooking.  inspirational.  large type.  fiction.  non-fiction.  each time i am astounded the amount of books there are in each section.  each time i am absolutely astounded with the amount of books that i find that i want to read.

lately, it feels like there is not enough time to read all the books i want to read.  i feel overwhelmed with my mandatory course material because i want to absorb it all and i want to remember it all.  i feel overwhelmed with everything i want to learn.  crafts.  philosophy.  theology.  cooking.  self-help.  history.  i feel overwhelmed with what i want to read for pleasure.  there are so many titles and authors i want to read. 

my aisle wanderings don't even entail a half of my book woes.  i have book upon book reserved in the library's electronic system.  i have so many reserved i have to keep some in a holding 'shelf' in the electronic system.

at home i have a whole bookshelf with mostly not read books.  i have such good intentions.  i don't even allow myself to go to bookstores or used book sales anymore.  i can't be trusted.  i bring home piles of books that i totally mean to read...but i never find the time to open their pages.  i like looking at the covers though.

the same thing happens to me at the library.  i pull book after book off the shelves and bring them home.  i so want to read them...but my success rate seems to be for every 10 books i've checked out i read 1 of them.

i don't remember feeling like this when i was younger.  i don't remember this feeling of urgency.  i don't remember feeling guilty at returning books to the library that i had not read.  i don't remember feeling overwhelmed at all my choices.  as a youngster i remember feeling calm and at home around books.  i remember feeling quite underwhelmed in that teenage underwhelming way.  i remember wanting to fill my shelves and my room with as many books as possible.  i remember loving being surrounded by books...even if i had not read them.  i remember feeling like there was all the time in the world to read the books i wanted to read.

while at the library i spend a lot of time in the children's section too.  there are so many books i want to share with my son.  i want him to grow up with a love for books.  i want him to read all the good books i read as a kid.  so far though, his favourite part about the library is picking which DVDs he wants to borrow.

in some ways i can't wait to go study because that means that i will get to peruse more aisles and see what books are out there for me.
so many books and so little time.

i haven't written in ages.  i haven't felt like there's been anything write-worthy happening.  just lots of lazy summer days and the whirl of back to school mayhem.  i've registered for a correspondence course but i have not even opened the textbook for it yet.

today i feel left out.  i feel left out at work.  i'm outside of the loop.  beyond the wire.  not wanted.  the last to be picked in gym class.  on the outside looking in.

it's always been like this.  my whole life.  there's very few times where i've been on the inside looking out at all the losers.  this job is not one of those jobs.  i am always feeling left out.

left out of lunches.
left out of previous experiences
left out of meetings
left out of chats
left out of dinners
left out of suppers out
left out of emails

just plain left out.

it hurts.

questions, questions, questions, question, questions

i am so tired of answering questions.  i am so tired of providing answers to questions that are worded just slightly different; similar, but with enough differences to require a whole new answer.  i am so tired of having to put myself out there.  i am tired of being the slowest writer in the world.  i am just blah.

i am tired of all this 'pre' bull shit too.  i just want to START! 

i need to learn how to write faster.

the generation gap part 2

i see the generation gap in resistance to change most clearly seen in my congregation, and i'm sure in others, in the following ways:

(in no particular order)

-with the children.
cries of "we love the children, we want the children to come, we need the children to come!" are quickly replaced with, "why do they run around?  why don't they sit still?  did you see that mom just let her kid have a tantrum?  did you see that dad let his kid run back and forth from the front to the back?  why aren't they quiet, don't they know that they're supposed to be quiet in church?"

-with worship style.
i get that worship traditionally has a flow and a certain order.  i get that.  i totally do.  i understand tradition and honoring the past and the way things were always done.  but, i also want to try new things, try to find god in new ways, get up and get moving, appeal to everyones senses, appeal to all ages.  i get that we are sometimes asking you to move out of your comfort zone...but just go with it.  give it a try.  humour us.  smile anyways.  "why do they have to move everything around every week?!?" is frequently heard grumbled.

-with volunteering for new things/having ownership over a particular area.
we have so much potential and so many good ideas for new and wonderful and faith filled 'things'...but so few people to do it all.  & there are so many people that do nothing or do the same old things they've always done.  there is also the people who are not open to sharing jobs.  it's theirs and they've always done it.  (wow, that sounds all complainy) 

-with being hesitant to just jump in
so many people wait to be asked.  so many people wait to be begged.  so many people are scared.  so many people are stuck looking at only their nose.  so many people are used to others taking care of things or looking after everythiung and assume that everything is still being taken care of.  so many people just assume it's being taken care of or their help isn't needed.

with all this resistance and negativity and complaining going on the question still remains, "how do churches give people that feeling of belonging right away?"   quite frankly i don't think we do...yet.

i can't even imagine how a new family would feel if they came to my church and the following happened:

--their son was crying or he crawled under the pews.
--and they prayed with their hands held high or they clapped during a hymn
--and they saw someone struggling to carry the coffee pots and cups to the coffee station and offered to help and got told no it wasn't their job
--and they came up for communion before it was 'time' or asked for a prayer to be said during announcements.

i can imagine the looks and the whispers that would ensue.  i don't think i'd come back.

and so we are back to the question, "how do churches give people that feeling of belonging right away?"   i still don't know.

worship as a worshipper randoms

i love love love love love gettng lost in the prayers of the people.  responding with 'Lord hear Our prayer'.  having my eyes closed and my body relaxed.  hearing others ask for prayers or give praise.  giving my own praise and concerns.  i love the audience participation.  the time for silence.  ending with the Lord's prayer. 

it all feels so good.

worship teaches me to be silent.  worship teaches me to love god.  worship teaches me to be with others.  worship teaches me to listen.  worship teaches me to love.  worship causes me pause to think.  worship happy, lively, smiling, and content.  worship reminds me to think of others.  worship reminds me to pray for others.  worships helps me to learn about myself and my god and my community. 

i could totally do without so many long plodding sad somber hymns.  i don't mind the odd one here or there, but not every sunday and defnitely not more often then that.

i could also do without turning ubpeat fabulous hymns into plodding somber ones.

i could do with shorter sermons.  heck, i don't even really watch movies that much anymore because my attention span is not long enough.  what i would like to see AKA what i am lacking in my faith development and worship experience is the ability to a) remember what i heard and felt and learned during worship and the sermon and b) to put into practice what i heard and felt and learned during worship and the sermon.

essentially, i need to learn how to live the life i worship in.

am i invisible?

i think there's something wrong with my voice.  i speak and no one answers.  i speak and no one listens.  people talk over me.  people leave the room while i'm speaking.  i ask questions and get no response.  i ask for opinions and no one responds. 

sometimes, it feels like i'm invisible.

someone will come up with a solution to a problem and everyone will agree that it's fantastic...and i feel even more invisible because it will be the same solution i proposed 2 days ago.  or something will break and everyone will wonder why no one pointed out that it was on the brink of breaking down...and i feel like a ghost because i will have been saying for days that the machine was on it's last legs.

it's rather tiresome.  i wish i could be visible.

stuff & things (not in the way you think)

 don't know what to write about today, but i feel like writing.  i feel like passing time in intelligent thought.  to prove that i still have intelligent thought.

i've been thinking about possessions today.  especially thinking about your possessions after you die.  i remember after my dad died we just threw everything out.  well almost everything.  he was a hoarder though, and things were not taken care of because there was just too much stuff to take care of everything and things deteriorated.  i remember when my grandpa died.  everything of his was just given away.  we got given things of his that we didn't even want and threw away or donated to charity shops.  i read on the internet about people getting houses ready to sell after their parents have passed away and of how they just get rid of everything.

if this is the case and the majority of our stuff becomes unwanted after we pass away, then why do we accumulate so much stuff?  why do we feel this need to accumulate so many belongings?

i've read a few blogs all about minimalism and decluttering and simplifying.  it's so interesting to see how little we really need to live and how little we really need to be happy while living.  there's one blog out there recounting how one woman is wearing only one dress this year.  i follow another blog that is all about how one family has gotten rid of over half their possessions and their car as well in an effort to become as minimal as possible.

i started out the year with some strong decluttering.  i was even keeping track.  we got up to something like 300 things flung from our house.  boxes and boxes went to the charity shop.  some went to new homes with friends.  bags after bag filled with broken and worn out and never to be needed again items that we trashed. 

we were on a roll.  & then it just stopped.  lost steam.  fell of the bandwagon.  crashed and burned.  every so often i try to give myself a pep talk about starting up again.  i had made a goal to get rid of 2011 things in 2011...but so far it's not looking good to meet that goal. 

i've been trying to figure out why i stopped decluttering, because goodness knows there's still lots to go (we have a whole basement of the stuff of my dad's that we kept) and as fast as we got rid of stuff before new stuff has already appeared in our house.

& i think i've figured it out.

i got to the hard stuff.  i got to the possessions that i actually like.  and not only me, it got to the stuff the husband and kid like.  it’s hard to get a 5 year old to part with his toys.  same with a 35 year old. 

it was easy to get rid of junk mail that was lying around and clothes with holes in them and broken toys and things family had ‘gifted’ us. however, it was hard to get rid of books and functional toys and cooking equipment and video games and other hobby stuff.  getting rid of what you like and might treasure is harder.

i continue to think about possessions and stuff as we pack for our upcoming weekend ‘yurting’ trip.  i think about possessions and stuff as we prepare to stuff everything we need for 3 days into a car.  when we go away camping we have to borrow my mother’s car because our little toyota echo just can't handle anything beyond a grocery trip.

i am amazed and astounded at how much stuff we need for 3 days, but I am also shocked to see how little it really is, y’know?  4 plates, 4 cups, 4 bowls.  a couple knives.  a frying pan.  a pot.  only the amount of food you’ll need for the next few days.  something to keep you warm at night.  pillows (yes, pillows are a priority round these parts).  some books, some toys, some games.  3 or 4 of the following:  pants, tops, underwear, sweaters…well, maybe more if you’re 5 years old and get dirty at a moments notice.  chairs to sit on.  the luxury of the whole weekend is the getting away from all the STUFF and the NOISE and the BUSINESS and the CHAOS of city-rat race living.  there is nothing like a good camping trip where your only tasks are cooking and fire making/watching and reading and playing.

this leads me to start thinking about how too much stuff = chaos and how not enough stuff = inconvenience and what is the happy medium and how do you get there?

but here's 2 different examples...

example 1:  i hate running out of food or not having something on hand.  i hate deciding to make a dish and then not being able to because we are missing ingredients.  i hate running out of conditioner or toothpaste.  i especially dislike having to purchase items at non-sale prices because we've run out.  i like to have those things on hand and i've actually started a small stockpile so i never have to buy toothpaste when it's $2 a tube again.

example 2:  i hate having too much paper. paper of any kind.  mail, envelopes, magazines, newspapers, paper for drawings, information to look at later, paperwork from meetings, receipts, newsletters.  all of it.  i hate how it clutters everything up and makes a huge mess and makes counters look messy.  i hate all the junk mail and i hate that i go to a meeting and i come home with a 1 inch thick stack of papers that i will never look at again.  i also hate how hard it is for me to part with paper.  i tend to hold on to it because i think i might need to refer to it again...but i never do.  also, my husband loves to save receipts in his pocket and then pull them out and leave them in random places in our house.  for me paper clutter = mental chaos.

so, out of those 2 examples how do you find the happy medium?  at what point is too much toothpaste too much toothpaste (this makes me think of the guy on extreme couponers who had hundreds of tubes of toothpaste)?  at what point is too much paper too much paper (this makes me think of the guy on hoarding that was saving stacks and stacks of newspaper clippings because he wanted to save the information)?

what is the happy medium?  & how does my little family get there?

generation gap part 1

at my church it was easy to forget there is a generation gap.  after all, for the longest time it was a bunch of folks over 50 and me.  i do believe they put up with my eccentricities (ie. me taking off my shoes and going barefoot sometimes) and to be honest i quite like the quiet, the slow pace, and the fact that everyone knew me and looked out for me.  for me, my church feels like family.  we can argue and bicker.  disagree.  have a spat, but in the end we all come together to worship the Lord, praise God, and do His work.  & we can have fun doing it too.

but, over the past year we have been focussing on encouraging new people to attend our church.  & these new people have often been in the under 40 set and they have had children as well.  i would say it's been difficult for the seniors to have the young people (both adults and children) in their midst.  my church has begun to witness the generation gap.

i read the most interesting thing yesterday (well, last week now) about generation gaps and the church.  i especially enjoyed it because i could turn it into a diagram.  i love diagrams.  i'll type it out first so that you can read it in full and then i'll do the diagram.

"...take the words believe, behave, and belong.  It used to be that when someone approached the church we worked them to ensure they got their beliefs correct (they would be like ours), that they knew how they should behave (like we did) and when they had mastered these things, or at least created the impression they had, they were deemed worthy of belonging (like us)....now, however, people first seek a place of genuine community where they feel they belong.  If they do not experience this first and foremost, the other does not get a nod.  Please wish to belong first; then after a while they may shift some of their behaviour and, even later, perhaps exame some of their beliefs"

now for the diagram!

then

believe

|

\/

behave

|

\/

belong

that's how it used to be at churches.  first was believing, then behaving and finally feeling like you belong because you have the beliefs and know how to behave.  i think we'd like to think that churches aren't like this today, that that model is a thing of the past.  a throwback to the olden days.  but i don't think it is.  i think folks that go to church, especially small congregations where everyone knows everyone and has known everyone forever, want new people to be like them and they want them to blend in and behave properly.  when new people do both of those things then the belonging comes and boy does it come.  some congregations, especially small congregations, will surround you with love and support and friendship.  but, i think it is slow in coming.  there are barriers and people are slow to change and seeing how you could have new ideas.  i briefly attended a church where i was blocked in every direction, given no direction, and treated poorly as i was employed as sunday school co-ordinator.  it was so frustrating that i quit and returned to my previous congregation saddened by my experiences.

anyways, now moving on to the second diagram which shows what people want nowadays when they visit a new church or attend church.

now

belong

|

\/

behave

|

\/

believe

what a difference!  what a shift!  so, the question becomes; "how do churches give people that feeling of belonging right away?"  how do we offer our hand of friendship and love and support right away to children and to the under 40 age group every congregation wants to fill it's pews with?  it's a lot to think about.

who knew?

my son complained of a sore tooth on the weekend.  he mentioned it once and then not again.  we phoned to make an appointment for him.  it was set for this friday.  last night, right as i was getting ready to go to sleep, the tears and the moans started.  his tooth hurt more.  we were up for hours.

i've never had a tooth ache or gum pain or any kind of mouth pain (well, aside from cold sores) and i really can't deal with teeth problems.  in fact, one of my recurring nightmares is about all my teeth falling out of my mouth.  it starts with one loose tooth and then another and then another.  then a tooth falls out.  & before i know it all my teeth are crumbling and if i reach into my mouth i pull out bits of my teeth until i have none left.  awful.  that dream is just plain awful.

it breaks my heart to hear him upset and hurting from a stupid tooth.  it also makes me feel like a failure of a parent.  i can't even keep his teeth intact?  blargh.  we are awful at reminding our son to brush his teeth.  blargh.  we should know better.  i should know better.  my husband has awful crumbly teeth--even when he's awake.  blargh.

they went this morning for a teeth exam to see what was up and he has to go back tomorrow morning for the procedure.  the dentist was talking about capping the tooth or pulling it or doing a root canal.  gulp.  i just feel ill to my stomach.  i feel all icky on my insides like i didn't do a good enough job.  i just want it to be all over with.  i don't want his teeth to hurt him anymore.   

who knew someone else's teeth could be so stressful to me?

risky relationships

i'm reading something right now that says "Jesus invites us into something more risky -- a relationship.  And relationships are what help us and guide us through times of chaos, times of night".

what a wonderful and peculiar way of looking at Jesus. 

the text then asks, "which relationships do you trust the most?" 

& i'm not too sure how to answer this question and what it even means.  the more i think about relationships and what they mean and what they are about the more i am not sure how i feel about Jesus inviting us into a relationship.  i think i put more trust in relationships that are give and take, communal, and loving.  i certainly don't trust relationships that are one-sided, authoritarian, or heartless.  on the surface it seems so black and white.  CRA = bad relationship.  Parents = good relationship.  but is it really so easy?  the government is (sort-of) looking out for my best interests and trying to spend my money wisely.  parents can't always do right for their children and abuse occurs.

is it all about checks and balances?  is it all aobut negotiations?  is it all about love and community and feeling good?  or is there more to it?  what about this relationship with jesus?  is there negotiations?  do we feel like it's one sided?  but people bargain with God all the time.  make promises in return for whatever action they want from god.

but what about trust?  trust is hard for most people in this day and age.  me included.  i trust very few people.  i don't trust my government.  i don't trust my employer.  i don't trust my fellow man. i don't trust advertising.  i do trust my husband.  but it would only take infedility or an addiction for me to lose that trust.  i do trust my church and my minister, but again i don't think it would take much for me to lose that trust.

i'm not even making sense here.  i'm just trying to get the words out.  not everything i write is good.

i know the bible tells us to trust in god no matter what.  i know that.  i truly do.  i also know that the bible tells us that god is always with us.  i know that.  i truly do.  i also know that relationships imply input from both sides and relationships always involve compromise.

how does Jesus compromise?

you know what's hard?

listening to mean people.  being around people who are so hard on others.  listening to critiques and put downs and mean-spiritedness about others.  hearing someone pick out something so small and irrelevant and bring it to the forefront and go on and on and on about it as it were the end of the world.

it's so tough being around this week after week.  you work so hard to make things go well and smoothly and to make sure your audience is well behaved and attentive and engaged, only to have someone point out that one time someone didn't say please or thank you.

what is the point of that? 

i always thought i was a pesimisst, but now based on the continuing behaviour of a certain individual i'm beginning to think i might be an optimist.

confession time here.

sometimes i just want to be anonymous.  totally anonymous.  just write about the things that really matter and the things that are close to my heart.  sometimes i don't want to have goals.  i don't want to be a success or a failure.  meet or not meet these aspects i've put forth to attain. 

totally not my other self.  not have to spend time taking pictures.  not measuring my progress.  not feeling pressure to meet self imposed posting requirements.  not counting comments or followers.

sometimes i just want to be what i think i am deep down in my heart.  just to be abstract and fuzzy and think big and make sweeping statements and let loose the words from my fingers.  i want to share my fears.  i want to put them out there and not rationalize or analyze.  just let them be.

sometimes i want to be as fast or as a slow as I want to be.  sometimes i want to be as sad or angry or fearful or happy or joyful as I want to be.  sometimes I want to be as long winded or succinct as I want to be.

confession time here.

this will be my place for all this.  or maybe not.

welcome to my world.

consistency is key

i noticed that i seem to be averaging 1 post per month on this blog.  at least i'm consistent.