& Suddenly

& suddenly it's been two years since i posted anything here.  if you'd asked me how long it had been i would have said, 6 months - maybe 7.  how could it be 2 years?  i have lots to say...don't i?

i guess we'll find out.  this year, as part of my learning goals, i'm supposed to keep a journal to help me solve problems, work through confusion, and make theological connections.  intentional journaling they call it. i guess that means i'm not supposed to talk about supper, things that make me mad, and new shoes.  this is supposed to be for deep stuff only.

so, let's go deep.

Inclusion

it's hard to be inclusive.  the book I'm reading right now talks about why inclusion is the dificult choice to make.  the author explains that exclusion is easy because the attempted relationship is ended.  the person is excluded.  the group is excluded.  the idea is excluded.  the community is excluded.  once the person is excluded there is (generally) no further relationship.  there is nothing more to do, especially for the party that did the excluding.  it's easy to exclude.  is that why we often choose to exclude?  or are there other reasons?  people are afraid of change, so it's often easier to exclude those that are different.  people want to keep tradition, so it's easier to exclude those that want to change things. 

inclusion takes much more work.  it takes constant self-evaluation and discussion and compromise.  it's got to involve communication and co-operation.  there has to be love and tolerance.  smiles and laughter.  tears and hugs.  steps forward and steps backward.  give and take.  back and forth.  open ears and open hearts.

that's a lot of work!  but so worth it.

so many books and so little time

what an awesome library. 
i wish the libraries i went to looked like this!

i've been spending a lot time at the library recently.  i find the library is one of the only places i will actually buckle down and do my coursework.  i take lots of breaks, but i seem to get stuff done as well.
on my breaks i wander up and down aisles.  i try to vary the aisles.  i pick whatever looks interesting and thumb through the book.  if it looks like a good one i bring it back to my table and look further.  if it's a real gooder i'll take the book home.

sometimes i will pick a specific area to browse.  the kids section.  new arrivals.  bestsellers.  mystery.  religion.  cooking.  inspirational.  large type.  fiction.  non-fiction.  each time i am astounded the amount of books there are in each section.  each time i am absolutely astounded with the amount of books that i find that i want to read.

lately, it feels like there is not enough time to read all the books i want to read.  i feel overwhelmed with my mandatory course material because i want to absorb it all and i want to remember it all.  i feel overwhelmed with everything i want to learn.  crafts.  philosophy.  theology.  cooking.  self-help.  history.  i feel overwhelmed with what i want to read for pleasure.  there are so many titles and authors i want to read. 

my aisle wanderings don't even entail a half of my book woes.  i have book upon book reserved in the library's electronic system.  i have so many reserved i have to keep some in a holding 'shelf' in the electronic system.

at home i have a whole bookshelf with mostly not read books.  i have such good intentions.  i don't even allow myself to go to bookstores or used book sales anymore.  i can't be trusted.  i bring home piles of books that i totally mean to read...but i never find the time to open their pages.  i like looking at the covers though.

the same thing happens to me at the library.  i pull book after book off the shelves and bring them home.  i so want to read them...but my success rate seems to be for every 10 books i've checked out i read 1 of them.

i don't remember feeling like this when i was younger.  i don't remember this feeling of urgency.  i don't remember feeling guilty at returning books to the library that i had not read.  i don't remember feeling overwhelmed at all my choices.  as a youngster i remember feeling calm and at home around books.  i remember feeling quite underwhelmed in that teenage underwhelming way.  i remember wanting to fill my shelves and my room with as many books as possible.  i remember loving being surrounded by books...even if i had not read them.  i remember feeling like there was all the time in the world to read the books i wanted to read.

while at the library i spend a lot of time in the children's section too.  there are so many books i want to share with my son.  i want him to grow up with a love for books.  i want him to read all the good books i read as a kid.  so far though, his favourite part about the library is picking which DVDs he wants to borrow.

in some ways i can't wait to go study because that means that i will get to peruse more aisles and see what books are out there for me.
so many books and so little time.

i haven't written in ages.  i haven't felt like there's been anything write-worthy happening.  just lots of lazy summer days and the whirl of back to school mayhem.  i've registered for a correspondence course but i have not even opened the textbook for it yet.

today i feel left out.  i feel left out at work.  i'm outside of the loop.  beyond the wire.  not wanted.  the last to be picked in gym class.  on the outside looking in.

it's always been like this.  my whole life.  there's very few times where i've been on the inside looking out at all the losers.  this job is not one of those jobs.  i am always feeling left out.

left out of lunches.
left out of previous experiences
left out of meetings
left out of chats
left out of dinners
left out of suppers out
left out of emails

just plain left out.

it hurts.

questions, questions, questions, question, questions

i am so tired of answering questions.  i am so tired of providing answers to questions that are worded just slightly different; similar, but with enough differences to require a whole new answer.  i am so tired of having to put myself out there.  i am tired of being the slowest writer in the world.  i am just blah.

i am tired of all this 'pre' bull shit too.  i just want to START! 

i need to learn how to write faster.

the generation gap part 2

i see the generation gap in resistance to change most clearly seen in my congregation, and i'm sure in others, in the following ways:

(in no particular order)

-with the children.
cries of "we love the children, we want the children to come, we need the children to come!" are quickly replaced with, "why do they run around?  why don't they sit still?  did you see that mom just let her kid have a tantrum?  did you see that dad let his kid run back and forth from the front to the back?  why aren't they quiet, don't they know that they're supposed to be quiet in church?"

-with worship style.
i get that worship traditionally has a flow and a certain order.  i get that.  i totally do.  i understand tradition and honoring the past and the way things were always done.  but, i also want to try new things, try to find god in new ways, get up and get moving, appeal to everyones senses, appeal to all ages.  i get that we are sometimes asking you to move out of your comfort zone...but just go with it.  give it a try.  humour us.  smile anyways.  "why do they have to move everything around every week?!?" is frequently heard grumbled.

-with volunteering for new things/having ownership over a particular area.
we have so much potential and so many good ideas for new and wonderful and faith filled 'things'...but so few people to do it all.  & there are so many people that do nothing or do the same old things they've always done.  there is also the people who are not open to sharing jobs.  it's theirs and they've always done it.  (wow, that sounds all complainy) 

-with being hesitant to just jump in
so many people wait to be asked.  so many people wait to be begged.  so many people are scared.  so many people are stuck looking at only their nose.  so many people are used to others taking care of things or looking after everythiung and assume that everything is still being taken care of.  so many people just assume it's being taken care of or their help isn't needed.

with all this resistance and negativity and complaining going on the question still remains, "how do churches give people that feeling of belonging right away?"   quite frankly i don't think we do...yet.

i can't even imagine how a new family would feel if they came to my church and the following happened:

--their son was crying or he crawled under the pews.
--and they prayed with their hands held high or they clapped during a hymn
--and they saw someone struggling to carry the coffee pots and cups to the coffee station and offered to help and got told no it wasn't their job
--and they came up for communion before it was 'time' or asked for a prayer to be said during announcements.

i can imagine the looks and the whispers that would ensue.  i don't think i'd come back.

and so we are back to the question, "how do churches give people that feeling of belonging right away?"   i still don't know.

worship as a worshipper randoms

i love love love love love gettng lost in the prayers of the people.  responding with 'Lord hear Our prayer'.  having my eyes closed and my body relaxed.  hearing others ask for prayers or give praise.  giving my own praise and concerns.  i love the audience participation.  the time for silence.  ending with the Lord's prayer. 

it all feels so good.

worship teaches me to be silent.  worship teaches me to love god.  worship teaches me to be with others.  worship teaches me to listen.  worship teaches me to love.  worship causes me pause to think.  worship happy, lively, smiling, and content.  worship reminds me to think of others.  worship reminds me to pray for others.  worships helps me to learn about myself and my god and my community. 

i could totally do without so many long plodding sad somber hymns.  i don't mind the odd one here or there, but not every sunday and defnitely not more often then that.

i could also do without turning ubpeat fabulous hymns into plodding somber ones.

i could do with shorter sermons.  heck, i don't even really watch movies that much anymore because my attention span is not long enough.  what i would like to see AKA what i am lacking in my faith development and worship experience is the ability to a) remember what i heard and felt and learned during worship and the sermon and b) to put into practice what i heard and felt and learned during worship and the sermon.

essentially, i need to learn how to live the life i worship in.